Our individual wants and needs are a big part of what makes us who we are. When we are in a relationship, it’s imperative to create a shared vision for that relationship and learn to co-create. When we are in a relationship, we need to learn how to make sacrifices for our partner without compromising who we are or our major life goals. When you are completely in sync with your partner, you can’t lose—but what happens when your lifestyle differences start to reveal themselves?
In this article, Joey Klein, founder and CEO of Inner Matrix Systems – a personal mastery training system for high achievers – shares how to understand the expectations you and your partner have to ultimately create have difficult conversations with your partner so you can create reach an overall deeper connection in your relationship.
Name a Vision for your Relationship It’s Not What You Say; It’s How You Say It…and What You Say
Whether you disagree on career ambitions, how you spend your free time together, household chores or any other aspect of your relationship—the most crucial factor in getting on the same page is naming the vision you have for your relationship. Name how you want to feel. Then name the types of things you want to do in your relationship – go on date nights, take a vacation. And some specific outcomes – this may sound something like – celebrate our 30th anniversary or have children. A clear vision helps to confirm your partner is on the same page as you. If, for instance, you want kids and your partner does not, then you know from the start there is misalignment. Naming your vision ensures cohesion and collaboration. reconciling your differences is having open conversations that are productive and respectful.
Body Language
Pay attention to what your body conveys: nonverbal communication, namely body language, and tone of voice, is responsible for most of our communication. So, uncross those arms and legs, sit down next to your partner, and maintain a respectful amount of eye contact. Add physical touch into the mix—like holding hands or an arm around the shoulder—to show them that you still care about them even though you may be having a disagreement.
Pay Attention to How You Feel What Not to Do or Say
We create from the inside out. That means that checking in to see “where you’re at” before any critical conversations is key. How do you feel? Are you in a love-based state? Or a fear-based state? It’s imperative to create your vision and co-create with your partner from a love-based state. If you’re feeling anxious, stressed, or angry, will those emotions ever lead to a connected and loving relationship with your partner? Probably not. Manage your state first before you engage. Demands, ultimatums, passive-aggressiveness, and lashing out have no place in a loving relationship. Do not blow off anything your partner says as “ridiculous” or “crazy.” Do not raise your voice or interrupt; take turns—measured turns if necessary—to make sure you both have equal opportunity to be heard.
Avoid accusatory “You…” statements as much as possible; instead, go for an “I feel…” or a “This makes me feel…”.
Do not walk out during the conversation. If you need to take a break from the conversation, show your partner the respect of asking if they are okay with that too, and schedule a day and time to pick the conversation back up again before taking a break.
Never, ever say anything like, “It shouldn’t be this hard.” Newsflash: relationships are not easy. They take a significant amount of time, patience, and understanding.
Body Language
Pay attention to what your body conveys: nonverbal communication, namely body language, and tone of voice, is responsible for most of our communication. So, uncross those arms and legs, sit down next to your partner, and maintain a respectful amount of eye contact. Add physical touch into the mix—like holding hands or an arm around the shoulder—to show them that you still care about them even though you may be having a disagreement.
Create Together Timing is Everything
Relationship dynamics can be tricky. However, you can take a lot of the guesswork out of it by naming a vision, managing your state, and taking actions that align you with your vision. Does your partner have a big meeting tomorrow? Maybe hold off on having a heavy discussion that night, as you may be putting your needs first at their expense, even though you may have grievances you want to address.
Show Your Partner Respect through Understanding
If you initiated the discussion, you probably have some specific points to discuss. However, that does not make what they have to say any less valid. Not only do you need to listen to what your partner has to say, but you also need to understand their point of view—otherwise, you are just dominating the conversation and not treating your partner with respect. Remember: this is a discussion to better your relationship—it’s not about winning.
When You Fight
Sure, Not only is occasional fighting normal, it’s a necessary part of a relationship. Your partner is the person with whom you’re going to discuss the more intimate aspects of your life: things are going to get heated on occasion. The key is to stay respectful. If things are getting out of hand, it may be a good idea to seek help from a neutral third party, like a relationship counselor.
Create Together
Relationship dynamics can be tricky. However, you can take a lot of the guesswork out of it by naming a vision, managing your state, and taking actions that align you with your vision.
About Inner Matrix Systems
Inner Matrix Systems, based in Denver, is a personal mastery training system for high achievers. For more than twenty years, IMS has delivered a proprietary methodology that rewires, trains, and aligns the nervous system, emotions, and thought strategies to create real-life results. CEO, Joey Klein, and IMS have worked with more than 80,000 individuals from around the world through both live and online training programs, as well as one-on-one coaching. Clients have included: Boeing, IBM, Dell, Google, Panda Express, Coca Cola and The World Health Organization. Joey is the author of The Inner Matrix: Leveraging the Art & Science of Personal Mastery to Create Real Life Results (June 2021).
